so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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