I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
