Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
