a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
