I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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