I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
