i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
