There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
