I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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