He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
