He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
