I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm just crazy horny about you
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
