I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My liver just had a heart attack.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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