I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
