I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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