I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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