If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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