alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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