There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
then he tried to convert me to islam
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
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