Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
