apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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