Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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