Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
dude. I can hear the air.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
