Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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