All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
