I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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