Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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