update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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