a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
