Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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