he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
