I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
