I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
