My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
