omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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