I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
