I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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