I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
everyone is single if you try hard enough
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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