I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
