Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
