his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
