we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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