K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
