Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
