How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
