I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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