I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize