If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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