What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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