Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize