dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize