U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
