I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he told me I talked like a deaf person
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
