Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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