i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
