If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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