i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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