Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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