Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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